Posted by: distributorcap | April 21, 2008

Coming to a theatre near you

You’ve got to climb to the top of a Mountain of Shit to reach the Valley of the GOP Dolls.

From the producers of Condita comes a new movie that will show you what really goes on inside the Beltway


The film tells the story of three deranged women who meet when they are beginning their de-evolution into GOP politics. Neely O’Hara is a skinny kid who latched onto an old coot in the TV show Survivor. Undeniably talentless, she is plucked from obscurity to work on vomit-inducing television show called The View, which stars the legendary newswoman Babs the Impaler. Jennifer North, a botox-filled blonde beer heiress with limited writing skills is hawking her new book Secret Family Recipes, when it is discovered she lifted the recipes straight from rival Rachael Ray. Anne Welles, a recent arrival from Texas with a deep secret, (hint – it has something to do with a car, a boyfriend and a bottle of Smirnoff), hopes to find success as a librarian. She is working for an agency that represents Babs the Impaler. The three women become fast friends, and share a bond of ambition, coldness, and a love of screwing the country. Some of them even know a thing or two about dolls, and NOT the Barbie kind.

Neely O’Hara (Elisabeth Hasselbeck) goes to ABC Television Network, home of lame journalists who care mainly about flag pins, where a lucrative talk show career begins. She soon falls victim to a fight with her co-star and is fired by the show’s doyenne Babs the Impaler. In the throes of depression, O’Hara turns to Seconal, Nembutal and various stimulants. Her career is shattered by her idiotic behavior and she finds herself back in the only place she can succeed — as an anorexic begging for immunity on Survivor. But Neely is given one more chance. Drunk out of her mind, Nelly confronts Babs the Impaler in the bathroom of Laguardia Airport. A catfight ensues, whereby Nelly grabs Babs’ wig and flushes it down the toilet — all under the watchful eye of Larry Craig.

Meanwhile Jennifer North (Cindy McCain) has inherited a beer distributor and married an aging Senator, John McSame, who is mentally upstable. His sister Condi (Condoleezza Rice) who happens to be Laura’s secretary, warns Jennifer that John’s condition is not going to change — he is suffering from Keatings Disease and often breaks into Beach Boy songs with no notice. When his care is resulting in mounting (and uncovered) medical expenses, Jennifer finds herself working in “art movies” to pay the medical bills. Jennifer’s real ambition is to adopt a child whom she will completely ignore. Stress, being called a c**t, and too much botox make her an insomniac, so she is forced to steal the dolls of her choice – amphetmines – to make it through the day.

Anne Welles (Laura Welch) has fared the best of all three, having become First Lady. Despite this move to the top of the shit pile with absolutely no sense for fashion and a penchant for horning in on international matters, she cannot escape the secret from her past (car, boyfriend, Smirnoff – you remember). She easily falls under the allure of the dolls (vicodin, xanax and oxycotin are Laura’s special friends) and uses them to escape the reality of her relationship with her husband, who continues to have affairs after their marriage, including one with their incompetent secretary, Condi.

This movie has it all.. singing, lying, religious zealots, Regent University grads, illegal wars, corruption, and even a shredded Constitution. From the magical musical talents of noted GOP songster notJenna Bush, the house comes tumbling down when Babs the Impaler belts out I’ll Plant My Own Beautiful Mind while dodging some cleverly (and subtely) placed product from corporate donor DuPont.

Valley of the GOP Dolls has some of the wittiest dialog every written:

Babs: Look Neely, they drummed you right out of CNN. So you come crawling back to ABC. Well, ABC doesn’t go for boooooooze and dope, just dopes like Gibson and Stephanopolous!”

Babs: The only hit that comes out of a Babs the Impaler show is Babs the Impaler, and that’s ME, baby, remember?

Jennifer: I wouldn’t pay attention to any of what Laura says. You know how bitchy First Ladies can be

Lyon: You’re spending a lot more than necessary with that fag.
Neely: Larry Craig is not a fag and I’m the dame who can prove it

Anne: Neely you know it is bad to take liquor with those pills
Neely: You should know Anne, you did it before your car accident

Jennifer: They ought to burn that old Impaler in Saudi Arabian crude oil

Lyon: It is a rotten business – this politics
Neely: I know, but I love it

Neely: Try going on TV with Rosie O’Donnell — the producers keep yelling Sparkle Neely, Sparkle


Anne Welles Laura Welch
Neeley O’Hara Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Jennifer North Cindy McCain
Babs the Impaler Babs the Impaler
John McSame Stephen Hadley
Lyon Eyes Alberto Gonzalez
Condi Condoleezza Rice

You’ve got to climb to the top of a Mountain of Shit to reach the Valley of the GOP Dolls.

a guaranteed cult classic…. coming to a theatre near you this November…..


  1. Oh..creepy. The Bab’s one made me shiver and Pickles looks like she just crawled out of a coffin. I’ll have nightmares tonight.


  3. Ebert and Roeper both love it! On a more serious note, I am randomly tagging you for the 6 random facts thing. Sorry!

  4. Wow.

  5. Holy crap- you know how I feel. My own copy of ordinary VotD was given to me by you.This is fecking brilliant, brilliant.Your talents are wasted at that day job of yours.While good at numbers, words are your thing.

  6. 2 thumbs up!

  7. Funny. I will give you that.

  8. The sarcasm drips from this like the au jus from a French dip sandwich. What’s Babs ever done to you except spawn Georgie?

  9. heeheeheeheehee, it would be even funnier if it weren’t actually freakin TRUE.Anyway Dcap, I think you misunderstood re ‘kicking me.’ It was about using the source.Goodnight you guys, I’m wiped out..Jeez, and you got one minute and thrity five seconds? What an ironman.

  10. heeheeheeheehee, it would be even funnier if it weren’t actually freakin TRUE.Anyway Dcap, I think you misunderstood re ‘kicking me.’ It was about using the source.Goodnight you guys, I’m wiped out..Jeez, and you got one minute and thrity five seconds? What an ironman.

  11. wow,….you are in your element now…this just could not be more accurate :-)( I hope there is a whole chapter for the twins and some sort of fracus at the wedding)

  12. Fran is right, you should be making some of that sweet Hollywood cash.

  13. I laughed, I cried. It’s the feel-good movie of the year!Regards,Tengrain

  14. OHMYGOD, Dcap–brilliant! If only Anne Welles had just drowned in that surf. The dialogue is awesome–I was thinking, “you know how bitchy those hags can be.”This is actually one of our favorite movies to watch when we’re drunk. “Tony! Lion! Ann? GOD? …NEELY O’HARA!” God, what a horrific score, script, and movie!

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