Posted by: distributorcap | November 21, 2008

Back to College Curriculum

The courses are filling up – I recommend getting up very early. Those bread lines have limited supplies.

Marketing 101

This course will cover how to sell your product to the an organization that has expertise in spending other people’s hard earned money. Examples will show how the CEOs of the American auto manufacturers, after taxing flights in their own corporate Learjets (costing $20,000 each), are able to beg for government billions with a straight face. But don’t forget being the CEO of failing company comes with a lot of risk. As one of our guest speakers, Chrysler spokeswoman Lori McTavish said “while being mindful of company costs, all business travel requires the highest standard of safety for all employees.”

Theology 101

Don’t know how to hate and be intolerant? This class will cover all the fundamentals. The beginning of the semester covers media control – like what to do if you hear the f-bomb on television. The second half will stress the power of hate – from taking away civil liberties, to invading private bedrooms, to how to marginalize minorties like immigrants and gays. Some knowledge of Latin required, and you will be tested on misinterpreting the Bible.

Accounting 101

The class will cover the fundamentals of running a country into the ground – from leveraging everyone’s money 40 to 1, to approving million dollar loans to people making $50K, to telling everyone you are for small government while racking up over $5 trillion of debt. You don’t need to know a thing about debits or credits to learn how to make a 401K into now a 200.5K.

Civics 101

Want to leave your mark on history. Well this class will teach you how to stuff lifetime governmental employees with your lackeys and sycophants, issue executive orders that cannot be rescinded so easily and procure signing statements that allow you to break the law at will. It will also have many hints and pointers on how to make the people elected to check your power become eunuchs.

Geology 101

Want to be able to show your friends and family how to destroy the planet? Then this course should be one of your electives. This class is taught by a world reknowned expert in the rote methodology – he has perfected the drill, baby drill. Texts wil show that there really is plenty of oil to last forever, only we will run out of livable land first.

Biology 101

Remember dissecting a frog in high school? Child’s play. In this class we will watch polar bears tear each other part, dead fish wash on shore, birds trapped in oil spills and politicians shoot helpless game from a helicopter. After all those pesky creatures from the animal kingdom are eating our food.

Epidemiology 101

Learn about exotic and new diseases that are impossible to control. Be exposed to mutating viruses and bacteria due to pollutants. Be your very own petri dish. Lab fees apply.

Acting 101

Forget Lee Strasberg and method acting. We have the newest craze in acting – dead man walking. We dug up the corpse of Ronald Reagan, performed a little surgery here, added a few patches of skin there – and voila – the latest in acting fundamentals. Some of the items on the curriculum include – lying with a smile, folksy quips that mean nothing, affability without intelligence, and how to use dementia to your best advantage. After all, intelligence is a liability in today’s world.


Responses

  1. Hey I am a theology grad student of sorts!And they will never teach the tolerance out of me!!

  2. Hi Cap;I think the post is excellent.It is a reflection of how I feel even though you wrote it.Thanks.

  3. All too true – it’s as if our country’s “leaders” for the past 8 years had graduated summa cum laude from the curriculum that you spelled out.

  4. There’s no greater bigot than the one holding a Bible.Scary.

  5. Hi Christopher;You forget that there are other “Holy” books out there that have the same “bigot” effect and the followers of the bible’s thousands of religions have been eclipsed by other writings.Most of them hate the West and will commit suicide and take a few of their enemies with them without thinking twice.In short, bigots, fanatics and hypocrites belong to any cult that proclaims to be of God.There are a few good people in the mix as well. 🙂

  6. gooper u, where everyone is a cheerleader.

  7. 'while being mindful of company costs, all business travel requires the highest standard of safety for all employees.">>You mean the CEO's fear someone who worked their whole life for an automaker just might be pissed off at the boss for squandering their pension & health insurance???"flights in their own corporate Learjets (costing $20,000 each), are able to beg for government billions with a straight face."Yep– one congressman asked if they considered a downgrade to first class.New mantra:Release the forensic accounting hounds.

  8. I have no problem with people holding Bibles. I just don’t want them to replace the U.S. Constitution with them.

  9. Speaking of loons, now we learn that Pope RATNazi is also psychic.Pope Benedict XVI claims he predicted the crisis in the global financial system, via a “prophecy” dating to a paper he wrote when he was a cardinal.He should run out and buy a lottery ticket.

  10. Christopher;He doesn’t need to buy a ticket, they own the lotteries 🙂

  11. This might be the first curriculum I’ve seen where I won’t be skipping class. I’ve always thought I needed to be more hateful and destructive. You’re doing a great service!

  12. “Turning a 401K into a 200.5K”Ha ha ha!

  13. I think we have had “on the job training” (almost like auditing the course) over the past 8 years. Pathetic isn’t it???

  14. Ichabod,LOL! So true!Well, I had a “prophecy” that if the California Supreme Court throws Prop 8 out on its bigoted ass, the Catholics and the Mormons will team up again as they did with Prop 8 and fund the effort to remove the judges who voted to rescind the homophobic measure.The Bible thumpers will stop at nothing to marginalize America’s LGBT community and codify our second class citizen status.

  15. Hi there all you gentiles, here in Utah the land of Zion, we already have this University. It’s call Brigham Young University, or BYU. Our Cheerleaders are called The Cougarettes. We have gazillions of famous graduates and most of them serve in the current administration (even though most of the passed of brain death while students at the Gordon B Hinkley School of Governmental incompitutd) Mitt Romney, Harry Reed and Orin Hatch, and don’t forget, our beloved senatoor/astronut, Jake Garn, famous for the gigantitude of his man meat. Philo Farnsworth inventor of the electronic television is one of ours. Don’t hate us cause we’re rich, biggotted and cant spell, hate us cause were better than you, and our heaven has levels, kinda like multi-livel marketing schemes mos of which began right here in Zion, where we love a good money making scheme, the better to rob you of your civil rights. And there is a dress code. Check us our on Wiki–you’ll love us once we’ve done your requisite lobotomy.

  16. Is there a phys ed class that teaches gun handling? I want to make sure I know how to shoot my friends in their faces without really hurting them.

  17. heh… how many credits do we need to graduate from this school?

  18. Dear Mr. Distributor Cap.Hah! Like you reely ar frum New York! You’re probly sum commie movy actor!I went to scool and i lerned that commies like yu are reely bad guys who want to tayk the cuntry away frum the republickans and gods peeple. Yu thynk yer sew smart! Always makin fun of us consurvativs. Yull be sorree, becauze god is not mocked!Ill bet yer coledge is rite ther in nu york, two! By the way, how du i enrole?Sinceerly, Jacob

  19. I would go and sign up for a bunch of them, but alas the line is so full of ex Rethug politicians who lost their jobs Nov 4, that I can’t wait this long. The classes are filled. But the up side is that they are being taught outmoded crap that will be of no use to them in 2012.

  20. That Theology class seems to be much in demand lately! If you can’t win fair and square, then use the power of religion to condemn, divide and scare people into accepting your beiefs and viewpoints.

  21. What Spartacus said. And hey, will I get one of those hedge fund management jobs with a degree? Because those people make shitloads of money in every market. Their investors and the masses….well, that’s another story.

  22. We should enroll as early as possible in order to be in the class we want. Late enrollees has a great chances of not able to get listed in their chosen class and time.


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