Posted by: distributorcap | July 21, 2009

If It’s Tuesday….

One of the advantages of owning your own stuff – is that you can syndicate it – to yourself. Now that I have hit the magic 700 posts, and it is the summer doldrums – I have decided to recycle some of my evergreen (don’t you love that word) material. If Law & Order can run the same 500 episodes 600 times each – and people watch even though they know who that the killer is still the same person in the 599 previous airings – some folks can read my stuff for a second time. So without much more adieu — If It Is Tuesday, It Must Be Reruns of Dcap

(there you have it, I am a lazy SOB. Plus August is a good time to take it easy). I hope you enjoy the encore performance. This was post #5

August 4, 2007 – UNDER SHELLEY WINTER’S ASS

The Poseidon Adventure has to be one of the all time great bad movies. This is one you really could “sink” your teeth into (or “flip” your wig over).

And not the crappy sequel Beyond the Poseidon Adventure with a slumming Sally Field (funny how that Beyond movie was a sequel, but Beyond the Valley of the Dolls – was NOT a sequel to VOTD – hey its liberal commie pinko Hollywood, what do they know?) or the piece of drek remake with Kurt Russell and Richard Dreyfuss — you have to go for the gold with the original 1972 stink-bomb, replete with hot pants, upside Christmas Trees and some of the cheesiest dialogue ever written. So picture this – a bunch of family members from the distributorcap-clan head to the movies on Lincoln Road in Miami Beach to catch the 8P showing of The Poseidon Adventure – THE movie event of 1972. All this from the master of science fiction schlock – Irwin Allen (we will cover Voyage To The Bottom of the Sea and Joan Fontaine’s homage to Jaws by being dinner for sharks in another treatise).

Where does one start with badness. Well there is the Bush administration, but that is a whole other discussion. Then there is the infrastructure situation in the US – steam pipes, bridges, overloaded air traffic control, crumbling schools – more other for other discussions and smarter bloggers. We will just stick to Pamela Sue Martin and hot pants.

The movie starts off relatively safe, as hundreds of cardboard characters on huge ocean liner in the Mediterranean prepare for the big New Year’s Eve shindig. This is a special holiday, as Carol Lynley gets to sing The Morning After — a future Oscar-winning ditty and member of the all-time bad song club. The fun doesn’t begin until the captain (Leslie Nielsen of all people) spots a gigantic tidal wave heading towards him — which of course it is too late to get out of the way. I know there was no GPS back in 1972 — but there were still weather satellites, and, something tells me that are not a lot of tidal waves in the Mediterranean. But what do I know, I am just a purveyor of fine cinema.

The boat flips (just like what Bush has done to this country) and madness ensues (again what Bush….). All the New Year’s Eve revelers start sliding and hanging from “attached” tables. How convenient the tables are nailed to the floor. People scramble, listen to a purser who has no idea what he is talking about and lots of extras get to use their Lee Strasberg acting skills in treating the ketchup-stained injured. But here is where the real “adventure” begins — with probably the most ridiculous line of dialogue ever written.

So Red Buttons ventures over to a mousey Carol Lynley “Nonnie” (who had just sang that piece of crap Morning After song) to console her. She is sitting next to her dead brother. Red so sympathetically says to her “Your brother is dead.” And Carol, as only the character Nonnie can say with a straight face, replies “Did you like his music?” The gang is off and running to climb up to the bottom.

For the next hours we get treated to the “who is gonna live and who is gonna die story line,” you know the stuff a 6 year old could write. For me, I just assume vote them all off the boat. First Shelley Winters get stuck climbing up the Christmas Tree. I don’t know about you, but can you imagine being under Shelley Winter’s ass on a Christmas Tree? I wouldn’t wish that on Dick Cheney (um, then again I would). Then as the seas pour in the crowd rushes to the tree (phew, Shelley made it up in time), bad idea — tree tumbles, crowd falls, they die. Then Fallon, rather Pamela Sue Martin is told she can’t escape an upside boat in a gown. Off comes the gown with a big rip to reveal some Mary Quant inspired hot pants. Perfect for the 15 year old male adolescent crowd in 1972.

First to die is Roddy McDowall. His character was pretty lame, as was his leg. Then its Shelley Winters (aka Mrs. Belle Rosen) to the rescue – as Gene Hackman is trapped underwater. Conveniently this very large woman was an underwater swimming champ (in her youth and size 4 dress days, not as a fat old broad). We are then treated to Shelley’s underwater ballet (revealing her erotic pantyline and ass cheeks we so unfortuantely missed on the Christmas Tree) as she saves Gene (the reverend) from certain drowning. Alas, you are now under Shelley Winter’s Ass


But alas, Mr Allen-producer-man probably didn’t want to pay this double-Oscar winning actress too much, so she is written out of the movie by dying of a heart attack. According to Jewish law (Mrs. Rosen was going to see her grandson’s bar mitzvah in Israel) the body has to be buried within 24 hours. Being at sea made this a tad difficult, so the gang just leaves this beached whale to rot on the floor (or rather roof since the boat is upside down). The Shelley Winters character of Belle Rosen was SO inspiring, they even created an action figure of it (I am NOT kidding).

What a fun coincidence — Leslie Nielsen who says “don’t call me Shirley” in Airplane eight years later is in the same movie as Shelley Winters, who’s real name is Shirley Shrift. Inquiring minds want to know – Shelley and Leslie separated at birth?

Next to go….hooker with a heart Stella Stevens (wonder if she knows David Vitter) gets blown off some scaffolding by a explosion. Cop-husband and McHale’s Navy star Ernest Borgnine gets morose for all of 30 seconds. And finally the rev, who keeps yelling at God (one would hope about how he let George Bush get elected, but alas not) about taking all these lives. So to let the remaining survivors get to safety (and be the hero he needs to be) – the reverend closes a steam pipe which is blowing hot steam, blocking the path out. Can I ask — where the fuck was Gene Hackman when we REALLY needed him last week in New York???? Gene you would have been a real hero if you had turned off the steam pipe on Lexington Avenue instead. But Gene’s job is done so he falls to his death. Fallon is upset for all of 31 seconds.


The required obnoxious kid was right – he knew exactly where the the 2” thick hull was and that is exactly where the Navy (maybe the Austrian Navy led by Captain Von Trapp – who knows? The year this took place is never specified and the Austrian Navy can’t be all that busy) is drilling to let them out.

Does it get any better than this?

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Responses

  1. A Shelley Winters action figure doll?No. Fucking. Way? Seriously, this is a genuine collectible. I wonder of any of them are still around?Movie buffs will pay large amounts of ca$h for movie swag like this.I wonder if there are any Valley of the Dolls, dolls? Valley of the Dolls is, for me, the ultimate bad/great movie. That and Pink Flamingos.

  2. I'd kill for that doll.D-Cap ty for the review. I saw the movie when it was first came out, but back then I was too stoned to recall anything but the Shelley Winters swimming scene.Re: Shelley in real life, I will resist the seamen/semen jokes.

  3. there is also a Pamela Sue Martin action figure doll – complete with hot pantssadly no Neely O'Hara dolls (just pills)I did find Hairspray action figures – Divine and Ricki Lake.

  4. They used to make dolls for everything like that…lol Now they don't make any kind of fun toys…lol Great review D'Cap.. You may do reruns anytime you would like.. I don't mind at all…lol

  5. Look what's up for auction on eBay?Of course, I think and I believe, Pink Flamingos is one the best movies ever made. I am a huge Divine fan.http://cgi.ebay.com/krypt-kiddies-DIVINE-JOHN-WATERS-PINK-FLAMINGOS-TAFFY_W0QQitemZ390065004147QQcmdZViewItemQQptZLH_DefaultDomain_0?hash=item5ad1af9e73&_trksid=p3286.c0.m14&_trkparms=65%3A12|66%3A2|39%3A1|72%3A1205|293%3A1|294%3A50

  6. OMG, I want the Pamela Sue Anderson doll in her red hot pants.This is one of my favorite classic DCap posts. Thanks!

  7. summer re-runs! I love summer re-runs….. in fact I would love a re-un of the summer of '99 with Kathy, but she told me never to call again.I always got a sinking feeling while watching the Poseidon Adventure. Left me with a fear of bathtubs.

  8. I think your reruns are going to be better than most posts I read, and all that I write.I remember this movie well, as well as most Irwin Allen stuff.Bring back Land of the Giants and Time Tunnel!!

  9. Because it's gray and rainy and I haven't finished my work that's due in two hours, I decided to see if I could make the day any worse by youtubing "Morning After". And yes, yes, I could make the day worse.

  10. I read this post the first time around! That means I've been blogging for about two years now. This is a great feature idea.

  11. they know who that the killer is still the same person in the 599 previous airingsShows should take ten minutes to film crappy multiple endings for this exact reason. Randomly toss one of the unseen ones up. Take that, loyal viewers!

  12. who are you calling mousy?

  13. I can't remember if it was Poseidon Adventure or Towering Inferno- some bad formula movie with a very predictable plot…. but I remember the acting was SO bad, we assumed it was a comedy. A few friends & I were in a roaring laughter- when no one else in the theater was! This may have even caused up to get Shusshed!- which only made us laugh MORE!But the props & acting were SOOOO bad, we just had to laugh. The fact these moviegoers were in suspense just increased the hilarity factor. We MAY have smoked some funny cigarettes prior to the viewing. Notice the details are fuzzy…..

  14. I used to love rerun season, because then I could watch all the shows I skipped during the first run season. Now they just show crap year 'round.I'll have nightmares tonight, of course. Shelly Winters. Swiming. But somehow, I'll make it through the night because THERE'S GOT TO BE A MORNING AFTER.Regards,Tengrain

  15. i love reruns too – because you get to see all the stuff you missed when you were bored the first time aroundthanks guys! at least they arent reruns of Ann Coulter columns


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