Posted by: distributorcap | July 29, 2009

If It’s Tuesday, It Must Be

Encore Performances of Dcap Productions – Today in honor of Sarah Palin, a revival of McQane – a tragedy by William Shakesmoose.

Hamlet, King Lear, Twelfth Night, Two Gentlemen of Verona, Othello, Romeo and Juliet – these are just a few of the most famous plays from the playwright among playwrights – According to his biographers, all of his plays are accounted for except one. Until now

When Charlene Eckleberg of Fort Wayne, Indiana bought a picture of her hero William Shakespeare at an auction for $8, little did she know she would find the missing Shakespeare play taped to the back. It sold for $12 on eBay. Since it is a bit long winded, I am giving you the Cliff Notes version of:

MacQane
A Tragedy of Shakespearean Proportions
by me, the real FIRST dude, Willie S.
in 3 Acts

Characters

Gorge King of Wasilla
Jannah Gorge’s daughter and bar wench
not Jannah Gorge’s very unmarried other daughter
MacQane Pilot in the King Gorge Air Force
Lady MacQane aka Lady Pawlin, MacQane’s mate
Lieberquo MacQane’s best friend/traitor to the House of Wasilla
Mahjongg Wife of Lieberquo & head of Wasilla Kaffe Klatch
MacGraham Faegula of Fife
Lady MacGraham Bearded lady of Fife*
Hecatindy Chief BWitch
Lorawelch Royal Chauffeur
Five Witches Coultergeist, Ingram, Malkinus, Crowlee, Morganus
Deelay Drunken doorman to the Castle
Rumscotch Sargeant at arms
Wolfwitz Thane of Slyme

*originally no woman were allowed on the Globe theatre stage, I am just saying

Act I – a road in Wasilla, brush is tumbling all over

Scene 1: The play opens during a category 5 hurricane, with the Five Witches deciding that they shall meet with MacQane. They recite in unison: “Double Double Toil and Trouble, Oil Drill and ANWR bubble.”

Scene 2: Rumscotch reports to King Gorge of Wasilla that his generals, MacQane (who unbeknownst to the anyone, including MacQane, is the dreaded Thane of Twelvehouses) and Lieberquo have just defeated the forces of Eyerack. MacQane was held prisoner in the dungeons of Zenda, Eyerack for five years. The King praises MacQane – (65 times in this scene alone) – for his stamina and apologizes for his capture – “The fault dear MacQane is not in our stars, but in our lack of supplies to ourest militia.”

Scene 3: MacQane and Lieberquo talk about their victory “So be off with the Shia, so fair a group of Eyeracks I have not seen.” Lieberquo reminds him they defeated the Tisuni. They they wander into a heath where the five Witches are bathing. The Witches inform Lieberquo he shall never drive on Friday. While the two men wander, Thane Wolfwitz, arrives with a message from the King. He says “beware the ides of November.” MacQane begins to harbour ambitions of becoming king. “Why tonight let us assay our plot.”

Act II

Scene 1: MacQane tells his wife Lady MacQane. “Something is rotten in the state of Wasilla.” When Gorge decides to stay at the MacQanes’ #9 condo in Sedona, Lady MacQane hatches a plan to kidnap him and secure the throne for her husband. Although MacQane raises concern “the lady doth protest too much,” Lady MacQane eventually persuades him to go along, by challenging his manhood. “That man hath no member, I say is no man.”

Scene 2: MacQane kidnaps Gorge. MacQane is so shaken that Lady MacQane has to take charge. “Screw your courage to the sticking place.” She frames the King’s daughter Jannah for the act by placing Gorge’s hair in her purse. “Put money in thy purse.” The next morning, MacGraham, the loyal Faegula of Fife arrives. The drunken Deelay opens the gate whereast MacGraham discovers Gorge is gone. MacGraham is suspicious of MacQane, but not-Jannah is the one who flees to Paraguay, making her the suspect. MacQane assumes the throne as the new king.

Scene 3: MacQane remains uneasy about the prophecy that Lieberquo shall not drive on Fridays. MacQane has invited Lieberquo to a banquet and asks Lorawelch, the royal chauffeur to pick them up. When Lorawelch runs a stop sign, Lieberquo and his wife Mahjongg are “delayed” (if you know what I mean). At the banquet Lieberquo’s ghost enters and sits in Lady MacQane’s place. Only MacQane with a lean and hungry look can see the ghost; the rest panic at the sight of MacQane ranting and raving at an empty chair, “you trollopy c-word Lieberquo.” A desperate Lady MacQane orders all the quests to leave. She tells the them to take the Nowear bridge on the left “Parting is such sweet sorrow.” Lady MacQane realizes she has to take over.

Act III

Scene 1: MacQane, now insane goes to the Head Witch Hecatindy. She conjures up three spirits with further warnings and prophecies. She tells him “some MacGrahams kills with arrows, some with traps.” Since MacGraham is in exile in Carolina, MacQane assumes that he is safe; but just in case he puts to death everyone in MacGraham’s castle.

Scene 2: Lady MacQane becomes racked with guilt from the crimes, lies and scandals she and her husband have committed. She sleepwalks and tries to wash the liver spots she caught from her husband off her hands “out damn spot!” all the while speaking of the terrible things she knows about MacQane. She has to get rid of him once and for all and blame all the crimes on him.

Scene 3: MacQane, now identified as a tyrant, sees many of his thanes defecting. not-Jannah forms an army to free Wasilla, with help from MacGraham and his English “man” Boy George, Meanwhile MacQane delivers his famous soliloquy “Friends, Romans, GOP, lend me your ears. To be a prisoner or not to be a prisoner, that is the question I ask of thee. Lord what fools these Democrats be. Whether it tis nobler to trash or slam the other candidates. And remember tomorrow, and tomorrow and tomorrow. Did I not sayest, I was a prisoner of Zenda whence I have developed a lean and hungry look. Ah, such stuff as dreams are made of. I go, and it is done, the GOP invites me. Did I mention I was a prisoner of Zenda?” With the entire kingdom now in a deep sleep. MacQane plots to rid himself of Lady MacQane. “Get thee to a nunnery.” MacQane thinks he catches a break since Lady MacQane has left a note “gone aerial hunting” with the Keating-5 plane she bought on eBay. “Asses are made to bear, and so are you my dearest.” MacQane had secretly cut the hydrolic lines in the plane.

Scene 4: When MacQane is in the royal kitchen, Lady MacQane turns up marching into the castle “A moose, a moose, your kingdom for a moose. Off with your head!” Whereas MacQane responds, “Et tu Pawlin.”

Curtain drops. Mushroom Cloud. The End.

What a piece of work is MacQane

(This is one of my favorites)

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Responses

  1. It sounds just about like her too…lol Great one D'Cap.. very good.

  2. Everyone knows that this is how Macbeth really went down. I'm glad someone found the real manuscript. And of course Palin, I mean, Lady MacQane would throw in some King Lear. That woman doesn't know how to stay on point.

  3. All praise the Bard! It's too bad we have to do it doubled over from radiation poisoning.

  4. You have either too much time on your hands…. or are brilliant.I tend to support the later.Applause from wisconsinton.

  5. Bravo, bravo. The Plays the thing. My compliments. Extraordinary job!

  6. i thought the play about capt underpants picking princess sarah for veep was the naming of the shrew. i have to brush up on my shakespeare.

  7. Bravo!!

  8. This is Masterpiece Theater, indeed. Thine humoure and intellectulus astonisheth thy bestest buds. Pray hard that history not repeateth iself!


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