Posted by: distributorcap | January 21, 2010

As The Stomach Turns: Number 41 Looks Just Like You

And now, in then never ending saga of As The Stomach Turns, in today’s episode, all the ugly people of American are being carted off to jail.

With health care reform hanging by a thread, Afghanistan spiraling into another hell hole, Wall Street executives giving themselves enough money to buy Manhattan, more homes heading into foreclosure and unemployment stubbornly sitting near the 10% mark – daytime television’s four women of the Apocalypse decided to show the entire world just how shallow America has become. After all, when you ignore education for two generations and grow up concentrating on celebrity idolation – it is inevitable you will end up with such drivel as The View.

These four went into a complete orgasmic frenzy about Scott Brown’s hot looks. It appears the Senate is poised to become the next C Street palace of sensual delights.

Whoopi Goldberg described Brown as a “very attractive man” while Joy Behar called him “the best looking politician she’s ever seen.”

True to the form of this show – it was then Douchebeck’s turn to show the world how completely assinine she is. She argued that Goldberg and Behar were objectifying Brown because of his political affiliation. “It’s interesting where you choose to focus,” Hasselbeck said. “I think a lot of the time when someone sees a Republican gaining, they automatically … go after an aesthetic.”

For Whoopi and Joy, I think it had more to do Scott Brown’s teabag in Cosmopolitan Magazine than with his teabag in conservative politics.

Forgetting about The View – has America really reached a point that only the best looking people will be elect to run the country. Is there any other reason that explains the popularity of Sarah Palin, even among the Rich Lowry crowd? Maybe if we had just been able to tolerate Richard Nixon’s dripping sweat in 1960, there would have not been a Watergate and ergo no Reagan or Bush or Bush.

Back in the early 1960’s the Twilight Zone ran an episode called “Number 12 Looks Just Like You.” If you take Goldberg, Hasselbeck, and Lowry at face value, it was rerun yesterday in Massachusetts.

In a society dictated by the hypnotic power of American Idol and TMZ, everyone who runs for political office must undergo the Transformation. It makes them beautiful, uncaring and generally Republican.

In only a generation since the introduction of television, the United States began to see that people with physical unattractiveness could not be trusted to make wise political decisions. After all, if you wouldn’t buy soap, coffee or shaving cream (“take it off, take it all off”) from someone ugly, why would you buy financial reform or war declarations? As these beautiful people began to reshape the government, they also learned to eliminate most of the causes of all the ills in America – ugly people (which included liberals, atheists, gays, the ACLU etc.). Before the Transformation a person could expect to live only a very few years. But after they were Transformed, a person would then be able to avoid the dreaded death panel.

Nobody else can understand why Candidate Martha does not want to undergo the Transformation. She sees nothing wrong with her campaign and believes she has it sewn up. Her “radical, but popular” beliefs of Health Care reform were rejected because she did not undergo the Transformation. By depending on her deceased predecessor’s legacy (which all the beautiful people soundly rejected), she comes to believe that she can overcome ugliness to keep the Senate seat.

Then she sees the hot Dr. Brown.

In a last ditch attempt to salvage the seat, she is put through the procedure by Dr. Brown (the nude centerfold, not the soda) and—surprisingly—is enchanted with the beautiful results. Sure enough, Martha reappears, looking exactly like her best friend Sarah. “And the nicest part of all, Moosie”, she gushes, “I look just like you!” [wink, wink]

But alas there was no happy ending for the transformed Marth, as Dr. Brown just waved his magic “Cosmo” and was elected.



  1. just imagine if a dem had posed for playgirl. princess sarah would be talking about "ricky hollywood," what she called levi (who, by the way is still younger than brown was when he posed, so she couldn't excuse him due to a youthful indiscretion). funny how we didn't hear from her about this race.

  2. So, do we give up now? Because I don't see the democrats responding properly to this special election. And by properly I mean by fucking leading and passing legislation that is fucking necessary. Isn't it time, finally, for a real progressive third (actually second) party?

  3. Sigh. At least his voice is underkeyed. He's no Jack Kennedy.Will Obama come out swinging, or squander more effort on trying to be reasonable with the unreasonable? JUST DO IT!

  4. It's not enough to just have a pretty face to get elected. You also need wads of dirty corporate money.

  5. The only swing Obama or any other Dum know is that their kids play on in the backyard.I couldn't even watch NFL Live the other day without an appearance from the shrieking Hasselbeck.

  6. I don't think Brown's all that hot, but then unlike Whoopi I don't pretend to lust for men so people will think I'm straight.

  7. I actually thought Martha was kinda cute, though I didn't see a picture of her 'till after the election.On that same note, I do believe the election of Scott Brown proves that most republican men are homos.

  8. He would see faces in movies, on T.V., in magazines, and in books….He thought that some of these faces might be right for him….And that through the years, by keeping an ideal facial structure fixed in his mind….Or somewhere in the back of his mind….That he might, by force of will, cause his face to approach those of his ideal….The change would be very subtle….It might take ten years or so….Gradually his face would change it's shape….A more hooked nose…Wider, thinner lips….Beady eyes….A larger forehead.He imagined that this was an ability he shared with most other people….They had also molded their faces according to someideal….Maybe they imagined that their new face would better suit their personality…Or maybe they imagined that their personality would be forced to change to fit the new appear-ance….This is why first impressions are often correct…Although some people might have made mistakes….They may have arrived at an appearance that bears no relationship to them….They may have picked an ideal appearance based on some childish whim, or momentary impulse….Some may have gotten half-way there, and then changed their minds.He wonders if he too might have made a similar mistake.Talking Heads "Seen Not Seen"

  9. I agree with the CR, but what's TMZ?Good stuff, DC.And I saw that Twilight Zone. Made me what I am today, probably. That show was a world changer.The precursor to the "Stepford Wives."SIn a society dictated by the hypnotic power of American Idol and TMZ, everyone who runs for political office must undergo the Transformation. It makes them beautiful, uncaring and generally Republican.

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