When the Value goes Up Up Up

And the prices go down down down
Robert Hall this season
Will show you the reason
High quality, economy

Let me preface this by saying – I like clothing shopping as much as I like watching Glenn Beck.

If you lived in metropolitan New York during the 1960’s the above radio jingle that is one that is probably forever stuck in your head. Robert Hall was a ubiquitous, (and schlocky) nondescript clothing store with inexpensive schmottes clothing. Les Paul and Mary Ford actually sang one version of the jingle. Robert Hall (who never existed) went out of fashion by 1970, and out of business completely in 1977.

Nothing I saw today even would ever remotely be in a Robert Hall store, or in the other omni-present emporia of 1960’s New York style – John’s Bargain Stores.

Today I went clothing shopping for the first time (except for some socks and sneakers) since my Sarah Palin-inspired $150,000 shopping spree at Saks last October. After walking around today, I beckon back to the days when my mother bought all my clothing (and she would drag me to where else? – Robert Hall in the Lake Success, NY shopping mall).

Lower Broadway from Canal St. to Houston St. is a main shopping drag in Manhattan with shoppers and stores that could be anywhere in the USA. Except on lower Broadway – you have chain stores occupying buildings that are architectural gems of a bygone era, not cookie cutter malls. This is not Tyson’s Corners, Roosevelt Field, Sawgrass Mills, the Galleria or South Coast Plaza. And unlike the rest of the malling of America – it is outdoors. Today the streets were packed – I guess it was Back to School.

Some of the stores are Urban Outfitters, H&M, Scoop, Top Man, Hilfger, FCUK, American Apparel, (are you sensing a pattern?), Armani Exchange, Guess, Sephora, the triumvirate – Old Navy, Gap, Banana Republic, Pulse and Bloomingdale’s (which is nothing like the uptown Bloomingdale’s on 59th Street). This was clothing and stuff for the Jonas Brothers/Avril Lavigne generation – not me. In some of the stores I was the only person over 25. I wish back to school was this trendy back when I went back to school. You do have your non-clothing stores like Best Buy, CB2, at least 100 David Z shoe stores, Swatch, a mega Adadias store among others.

First stop was the somewhat more mundane Levi’s Store. Lesson learned – don’t even bother to try on their Super Skinny 510s. I couldn’t fit my foot down the leg. These pants were designed for the either anorexics or starving children in Africa, not Americans who have stressful jobs. The skinnys (as opposed to the super skinnys) I was able to fit into, but there was no way I would be able to sit down or retain child bearing material (and I am in shape, and thin – just not a 23-year old thin I guess). The traditional 501s fit, but who wants tradition when you can look like Karen Carpenter?

Then to Guess – I thought, who actually pays $178 for a pair of jeans today? – jeans that are pre-washed down to being torn. Not me. I wouldn’t pay that even if they sung like Karen Carpenter.

I went to several other “shoppes”, and after awhile you couldn’t one store from another – not only do the shoppers all look the same (22 years old, long baggy cargo shorts, flip flops, ipods, expensive bags) – the clothing is all exactly the same – just the prices are different. I guess Urban Outfitters users cheaper Chinese sweat shops than TopMan or Guess (for $178 jeans, I hope the Guess sweat shops at least buy their employees some coffee).

My final stop was the new hot spot of Soho – Hollisters – right on the corner of Houston Street and Broadway. In case you don’t know what Hollisters is, it is your front seat ride to the waves and beautiful bodies of the Southern California surf scene. Think Abercrombie & Fitch meets Frankie & Annette. Hollisters opened around 6 weeks ago in the spot where the old, staid, boring and decidedly un-hip Pottery Barn store used to be. Hollisters in Manhattan – what a concept.

This is Hollisters first store in Manhattan (they are all over the country and probably as common as Starbucks in Southern California). Considering Manhattan, New York is not a hotbed of surfing (unlike Manhattan Beach, California) – I can see why it took them a while to get here.

The store is four levels and 40,000 sq. feet – which is quite large for Manhattan (even in today’s lousy economy – I cannot imagine the rent on the corner of Houston/Broadway is any bargain). You are greeted by a dude and a “betty” (trust me, I don’t know surfing lingo, but I can’t imagine Annette would have wanted to be called a “Betty”). They are right out of Baywatch central casting. I am sure all the New York City employees have tried out to be extras on Gossip Girl – this is definitely not your Law & Order juror crowd.)

This is not your father’s Robert Hall

Hats off to the designer who came up with this concept for a store that sells the most visual item your own – clothing. It is pitch black in the store. Different to say the least. There are only shelf lights near the merchandise. It feels like you are walking into the funhouse at Six Flags – I kept looking for the mirror that would make me fat. You can hardly see a thing, not the customers or even the clothing. You definitely cannot see the price tags. There are dull-colored screens of water and surfers all over the walls and the space smells like some weird perfume – or maybe it is surf wax – I wouldn’t know.

The store is comprised of stores within the store, on different levels, connected by some sort of maze. Between the darkness and the layout, a sewer rat (who surfs!) would do well here. You walk a lot of stairs – this is not a place for those with arthritic knees. I would have thought each mini-store would be completely different. They aren’t – some sold cologne and accessories, but it seemed most sold the same stuff – just different combinations. There are no prices visible (unlike all the other stores).

Hollisters sells a lot of sweatshirts (“surf fleeces”) with some form of the company name or logo (a seagull – could it be more obvious?) on it. I guess dudes and bettys get cold riding backhand through the pipeline. Also there are plenty of tee shirts and other items your 21st century Jan & Dean wannabe would have to have. There were no surf boards. One of the sales “bettys” was named – you guessed it – Rhonda. I can only imagine how many times a day she must have to deal with someone singing to her “can you help me, Rhonda.” (My gut is that Hollisters forced one of the Ashleys, Olivias or Emilys whom they hired to be a Rhonda – this was just too easy).

I tried on the Balboa (all the jeans are named for California beaches – Hermosa, Huntington etc.) medium color extremely destroyed (not the regular destroyed) jeans. Trust me – they were extremely destroyed – they look like they were hung out to dry in Hiroshima. The try-on room had better lighting, though not much. I guarantee the mirror in this dressing is the kind that makes you look very skinny. They actually fit decently, looked pretty good (holes and all) and were not priced anywhere near the Guess jeans. Problem was it had a button fly. All their jeans (every beach cut whether new or pre-washed, destroyed or not destroyed) have button flys. When you are over 40 with an ever growing prostate – you just do not get button down fly jeans, unless you want a case of carpal tunnel syndrome from the unbuttoning and rebuttoning, in addition to BHP.

I went the day without a single clothing purchase (not even the $5 tee shirts at Old Navy were enticing). But I did get a pretty decent sandwich at Dean & Deluca and my hair cut at Astor Place.

Shopping is so not for me. I think I will continue to order on-line since all the Land’s End crap fits me pretty well. And I can actually see what I am buying (even if it is pot luck on the fit).