The Picture of Sarah Palin

Remember the Picture of Dorian Gray? Well for her next book, we have The Picture of Sarah Palin, a work of non-fiction by Oscar Mayer

After she is thrusted into the world by an old man with vitamin breath, a young governor named Sarah Palin captures the fancy of the right-wing lunatics, including ghost-artist Rich van Lowry. van Lowry is uber-impressed by Palin’s deep sense of intellectual incuriousity, her lack of knowledge of Supreme Court decisions and of course her radiant beauty-pageant looks. He becomes infatuated with her, believing the twinkle in her eye and smell of sulfur from her ass is the magic is responsible for a new mode of stupidity sweeping the nation. von Lowry offers to ghost-paint a portrait he will title – The Portrait of a Governor as a Young Quitter.

One afternoon, while posing for von Lorwy in his studio, Palin meets Lord Glenn Beck, a friend of von Lowry’s and the town crier. She becomes enthralled by Lord Glenn’s world view on death panels as a form of liberal population control and his broad knowledge of socialists in government. Beck is of a new breed (to say the least) – one who espouses hedonism and hate of all things non-white and non-christian.

Lord Glenn suggests the only things worth pursuing in life are beauty and the trashing of the Obama. Upon hearing the ideology of Lord Glenn, Palin realizes that it is her beauty-pageant looks that drives men to staining their underwear, not her proximity to Russia. Palin begins to panic, and cries out for her desire to remain forever young. Lord Glenn, never one to pass up an offer like that, tells Palin he will make the painting von Lowry is creating age into an old bag instead of Sarah herself – but for a price. Palin agrees and with the ringing of the town crier bell – her wish is fulfilled.

Palin is plunged into a world of million dollar Valentino wardrobes, caviar and vodka from Russia, debauchery with the Log Cabins in Key West, guest shots on Oprah, erotic poses for Runner’s World magazine and some very unmentionable raunchy behavior. As proof of her freedom from aging – Palin does a 10 page Hustler spread with her ex-future son-in-law, complete with a bear rug and moose antlers.

But for poor Sarah, the price she has paid is turning out to be very high. As part of the pact with Lord Beck, she is forced to walk by the von Lowry picture every day. Each time she swirls down her staircase like Loretta Young, the changing portrait serves as a reminder to her that her (lack of a) soul was for sale. With each and every sin, lie and act of narcissism displayed by the quitter, the magnificent work of art morphs slowly into an old bag first lady.

There – you have the synposis, now go buy the book. The movie is due out in 2012 starring Carrie Prejean as Sarah Palin and Larry King as the man with the vitamin breath.

About the author – Oscar Mayer, longtime purveyor of ham, was recently convicted of putting his sausage in the wrong place. When it comes to writing though, Mayer (like Palin) has a way with b-o-l-o-g-n-a.

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